When Donald Trump was filling his first Cabinet back in 2016, his process was widely, and accurately, compared to a casting call for The Apprentice. Previously, staffing the incoming administration had been a careful and secretive undertaking, largely ignored by the general public. But Trump tackled the task like the showman he is. For months, he met with a cavalcade of groveling GOP politicians, opportunistic billionaires, and assorted sycophants. He made sure to parade each aspirant before the media, and even teased on Twitter, “I am the only one who knows who the finalists are!”
Trump is, once again, falling back on his reality-TV roots in his approach to filling his second-term Cabinet. But this time, he isn’t merely adding some showbiz flair to the process. Back in 2016, Trump horrified Democrats and many Republicans by publicly toying with hires like Laura Ingraham, Sarah Palin, Kanye West, and Rudy Giuliani — but he didn’t actually go with his zaniest options. Now the president-elect is far less worried about what Reince Priebus or Mitch McConnell–types think; new Majority Leader John Thune is open to letting him skirt the Senate confirmation process. So Trump is going with his gut. And with picks like Kristi Noem, Pete Hegseth, and Elon Musk, it seems Trump’s instinct is to assemble a crew that’s more fit for an all-MAGA Dancing With the Stars than a serious White House Cabinet.
The Celebrity Apprentice may seem like the more obvious blueprint here. But most of the contestants on that show were reasonably competent, and the stakes were fairly low, as they were playing for charity. The DWTS cast tends to be more washed-up, random, and totally unqualified for the task at hand. These characteristics, combined with the high potential for disaster and humiliation, are a much closer comparison for the developing Trump administration 2.0.
So far Trump has only announced a handful of picks for his new Cabinet and other top-administration positions. But they’re already mapping onto archetypes for a good DWTS cast.
Kristi Noem as Homeland Security secretary: The former South Dakota governor inadvertently took herself out of the running for VP when she outed herself as a puppy killer. She is the scandal-plagued pick, in the tradition of DWTS contestants Bristol Palin, Paula Deen, and Olivia Jade.
Matt Gaetz as attorney general: The Florida representative has been tapped to lead the Justice Department, which recently investigated him for sex trafficking. The House Ethics Committee is still looking into allegations that Gaetz “engaged in sexual misconduct and illicit drug use, accepted improper gifts, dispensed special privileges and favors to individuals with whom he had a personal relationship, and sought to obstruct government investigations of his conduct.” This is the edgy pick designed to stir up outraged discussions over whether they’ve finally gone too far, like DWTS hiring ex-con Anna Delvey (but nuttier).
Stephen Miller as deputy chief of staff for policy: The adviser who helped craft Trump’s family-separation policy and ban on travel from predominantly Muslim countries is the widely reviled national villain. Think DWTS’s Tonya Harding but irredeemable.
Pete Hegseth for Defense secretary: The Fox & Friends Weekend co-host is a stupefying pick to lead the Pentagon. But he would fit right in on the dancing-competition show, which has featured many news anchors and TV hosts, including Geraldo Rivera, Sam Champion, and Tucker Carlson.
Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy for Department of Government Efficiency: This made-up “department” will be led by two attention-seeking entrepreneurs and omnipresent internet personalities, kind of like a nefarious version of DWTS contestants Mark Cuban and Kim Kardashian.
Elise Stefanik for United Nations ambassador: The House GOP conference chair is the stable, down-to-earth character moms are supposed to relate to, like DWTS’s Josie Maran, Melissa Joan Hart, and Ricki Lake.
Mike Huckabee for ambassador to Israel: The former Arkansas governor has not been in office since 2007 and has never held a diplomatic post, so he’s not an obvious choice for this crucial ambassadorship. Huckabee ran failed 2008 and 2016 presidential campaigns, but these days he may be better known as the father of current Arkansas governor and former Trump White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. File this nepo daddy with the many DWTS contestants who are related to someone more famous, such as Jamie Lynn Spears, Rumer Willis, and Billy Ray Cyrus.
Lee Zeldin for Environmental Protection Agency director: Does the former former New York congressman and gubernatorial candidate have a lot of experience with environmental issues? Nope! He’s just a former political figure with nothing to do these days, much like DWTS alums Tom DeLay, Rick Perry, and Sean Spicer.
All Trump needs is a former athlete, someone from The Bachelor, and the third-billed cast member from an old teen TV drama and this would be an absolutely incredible DWTS season 34. It’s easy to imagine a world where Kristi Noem’s cha-cha to “Who Let the Dogs Out” dominates the national conversation while President Harris quietly goes about the incredibly boring business of actually governing. But of course, we’re not living in that reality.
None of this is a dig at Dancing With the Stars, which is entertaining and harmless. We love to watch celebrities get a second chance at success, or embarrass themselves on the national stage. Unfortunately, chances are low that the Trump Cabinet 2.0 will end in anything but disaster. And their stumbles won’t even be that fun to watch. Sure, they’ll be embarrassing for Trump and his cronies, but Americans will feel the consequences, and the humiliation will be shared by everyone who allowed him to get back in the producer’s chair.